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08 July 2012

Setting Myself FREE

I have posted some videos of songs that I continue to listen to to help me get through this all :) 

With all that has gone on in the past year I have found myself and lost myself so with that said after a few good chats that were pretty much Heart to Heart talks with someone who is older and tends to have some good advice as well. In the past 14 months I have had a failed marriage and a failed relationship makes you feel pretty hopeless like you are NEVER going to be good enough for someone to love you. I started feeling empty inside,ugly,fat,I am full of hate towards "men" but I should say "boys" cause that is what they really are.  ☹  
It sucks an it takes a toll on you and anything new you TRY to start. I know its soon an what not but yes I am talking to someone else already an I can say that in order for this friendship to possibly turn into a relationship I MUST let go,move forward and heal! I by no means am an easy person to deal with or easy to love in fact I am hard to love but I am sure I will find someone who is up to the challenge of loving me and helping me grow as a person. I want to feel whole again,I want my confidence back,I want to see what others see in me and I know deep down inside I am a good person just have tons of flaws which we all do.  I deserve someone who actually appreciates me instead of someone who claims to appreciate me but in the long run they are just using me to their advantage. Yes,part of that is my fault but also it is their fault for taking my kindness to the extremes. With the person I am talking to he is older an I don't mean by a few years which is okay with me. I know I will be judged but at this point I don't give two fucks I just want to be happy with someone who is happy with who I am. 
I make comments all the time about my looks and weight to the "mystery guy" as we will call him for now and he has told me OLDER is better an his EXACT words were "We are not hung up on weight,it is about how you treat us ." Slowly but surely I am seeing that this person cares about me no matter how I look. 
I NEED to get over my fears and insecurities that I have because all they do is cause problems and with moving forward in life an trying to get things back on track I NEED to set myself free,let go of the past and start finding myself again. I use to always be happy and always going out  partying an well just having a good time. 
I NEED this and I DESERVE this none the less 
I am so thankful to have the small but VERY SUPPORTIVE support system I have 
I am open to ideas,suggestions and success stories from those of you who have dealt with things like this,such as how have you found yourself again? How did you heal? I would love any tips :) 
So here's to the past it can kiss my ass!!! 


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