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05 October 2010

Not Sure What to Title This......

Please bare with me I have been going through alot of stuff the past few days an it is ALOT to take in. Had to rush my mom to the hospital on Sunday night an she is still in there she has Congestive Heart Failure :( an it is acting up BIG time she can't come home til ALL the fluid is off her legs an lungs. Everything else checks out OKAY!! My friend Amanda just had a baby on Monday I was going to go see her last night but wasn't feeling to good just feverish an "ONE" of those feelings. Today I needed to take some papers up to DCF to fax them to continue to keep my foodstamps til Anthony is Active. My mom ended up wanting some stuff from the house an since I was going to be up in the area I took it to her an wanted her to read over the papers I needed faxed. I went an seen Amanda,Robert && their new son Waylon. Let me tell you Waylon is one cutie that will steal everyone's heart. While sitting there chatting amongst ourselves Amanda gets a text from her BFF saying that she couldn't come see Amanda tonight that Matt was in the hospital on live Support. When Amanda said that I was like well what hospital is he at? She more then likely here well come to find out it is a guy I was close to in school I bailed his ass out of so much shit it isn't even funny! Well I was in Shock about it so I when I was done chatting with Amanda && Robert I went back down to my mom's room an was chatting with her telling her about the text an how me an Matt were close an all. You could say I was in disbelief that I needed to hear it from the hospital myself I asked one of the RNs if they could see if he was in the hospital && she told me she couldn't cause of the HIPPA law which I understand she told me to call ext:1200 which is patient information I asked if he was in there an I was told yes he is in TRAUMA Care ICU. Well he is on Life Support the doctors give him 3 days :( I say that Matt will BEAT the odds he is STUBBORN as hell. The last update I got was a few hours ago an that was that Matt was ran over while riding a bicycle infront of the CVS that is not even 5 minutes from my house. I have no other information other then that I am waiting to see if there is anything in the local paper about it. So today within itself was a MAJOR emotional roller coaster.

I would have been starting college in 6 days if the bitch that is suppose to be my friend wouldn't have pulled her truck out from under me. She had the balls to text me last night an tell me that she was staying with Serena cause her mom wasn't doing to good well guess what mine isn't either mine is in the HOSPITAL her's is at home tell me who is worse off. Well Tasha comes home this morning an woke me an my bullie up she said that Serena's mom tried to kill herself last night by drinking an Overdosing on her meds. Come on that is her fault not something that just happens. I mean I was there for all sorts of shit for Tasha but she can't be there for me?!?!? Well she told me that she was going to gone from the 29th to the 31st because she is going to Clewiston to see her Biological Father (she was adopted at like 4 years old) mind you she doesn't want her truck driven far distances but yet she is driving 3 hours or so to go see him to go mud bogging an camping.

I am so beyond people fucking rubbing it in my face that they have money they can go buy this an buy that!! They can go here an go there but I can't cause I am BROKE an nobody wants to hang out with the broke girl. I didn't know you had to have money inorder to have friends. I mean seriously What The Fuck is wrong with this picture. I understand that things cost money but you can have a good time just hanging out an talking an what not without spending a damn dime. Even when I TRY to pay for or buy things I need or want they tell me no they have it an what not an when I say I don't want to owe you a damn thing they say oh well its a favor you won't owe me anything that is what friends do for eachother. Hello friends are also there for you when you need it to!! A TRUE friend also does NOT kick you when you are down either!! They are there to help pick you up but somehow I don't have that an the ones I have are MILES away but sadly enough the ones who are there for me an are miles away I haven't even met them I have ONLY talked to them on forums,myspace,facebook,yahoo,skype,phone && texts an somehow they care about me more then the people I know here in real life who I have met. Sad I know.

I am trying to get the negative OUT && POSITIVE in so tonight starts with me reading Psalms && Proverbs an I will post each Verse I read on here && on Facebook. I am STRONG because I have been WEAK. I have been weak cause I know the reality of  life,love,friendship && I have a heart. My heart I often where on my sleeve way too MUCH an that will STOP right here as well. I am DONE being the NICE Amber for a bit it is going to MY way or NO way at all. I give an I give to people who take an take when I barely have anything to give!! I may not have much money but I am THANKFUL && I APPRECIATE EVERY FUCKING THING I HAVE. I don't take life for granted I have seen it snatch away from so many before it was their time in some horrid painful ways. It seems like everytime I turn around one of my classmates is dying or should I say being killed by stupid people who don't think before they act!! An they loose life over the stupidest thing. I know God has a plan for EVERYONE of us! Times I don't agree with them like now I don't agree that Matt should be laying in the hospital on Life Support he is so YOUNG && it is NOT fair.

An I know this is all scattered probably makes no sense to anyone but as long as I get it out I am going to feel a little better. I am listening to my music on Limewire an there are TONS of touching heart breaking songs but they also make you see that things can that can be taken away in a FLASH or a BLINK of an EYE. Just when you think "Oh it CAN'T Happen to me" is usually when it happens. I am so down an funny or sad enough that even though it makes me cry && even more down it kinda puts me at peace. I am Praying for the BEST but preparing for the WORST at the sametime

The 3 year mark of my Pawpaw passing is coming up soon as well :( as my niece's 9th birthday they both fall on November 4th!! Along comes Thanksgiving which I will have more to give Thanks for which was the MAIN Holiday that we celebrated together since my Pawpaw && my mommy's birthday fall on the same day as well. I am dying inside an as sad as it maybe I wish it was me who had went Home instead of my Pawpaw I wish I could have take ALL his pain away. I told my mom when we found out that he had lung cancer I realized I was surrounded by so many people who could use my PERFECT organs. I told my mom if I were to die before her,my Pawpaw,my dad or my sister that they get first dibs on  my organs if I was a match! My Pawpaw my lungs,my mommy my heart,my dad my liver && my siter my kidneys cause my work better then her's. It is sad for a 20 year old to say that an to this day I would still stand by my word!! If the case that a friend or another family member needed my organs they would get picked first to see if I was a match!! That is just how loving an caring I am. I am at the numb stage an just waiting to hear more from Amanda about this condition && hopefully improvements Matt is making. I am really hoping something is posted in the local newspaper so that I can maybe get more answers to the questions I have! I want to know why,when,how.

God I am down on my knees begging you to answer my prayers it is the ONLY place left for me to fall. I am praying for my Mommy who needs your healing touch her heart can't take much more. I am praying that you can touch Matt with the same healing touch but he needs more healing && even more prayers God please answer the prayers everyone is sending up for my mommy && Matt. God I pray that all the children who are battleing the awful Monster of cancer touch them with your healing hand I know that you brought this to me so I KNOW you WILL bring me through it you wouldn't put this on my plate if you knew I couldn't handle it. I am Strong cause at one point I was Weak. In Jesus' Name



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