Please bare with me I have been going through alot of stuff the past few days an it is ALOT to take in. Had to rush my mom to the hospital on Sunday night an she is still in there she has Congestive Heart Failure :( an it is acting up BIG time she can't come home til ALL the fluid is off her legs an lungs. Everything else checks out OKAY!! My friend Amanda just had a baby on Monday I was going to go see her last night but wasn't feeling to good just feverish an "ONE" of those feelings. Today I needed to take some papers up to DCF to fax them to continue to keep my foodstamps til Anthony is Active. My mom ended up wanting some stuff from the house an since I was going to be up in the area I took it to her an wanted her to read over the papers I needed faxed. I went an seen Amanda,Robert && their new son Waylon. Let me tell you Waylon is one cutie that will steal everyone's heart. While sitting there chatting amongst ourselves Amanda gets a text from her BFF saying that she couldn't come see Amanda tonight that Matt was in the hospital on live Support. When Amanda said that I was like well what hospital is he at? She more then likely here well come to find out it is a guy I was close to in school I bailed his ass out of so much shit it isn't even funny! Well I was in Shock about it so I when I was done chatting with Amanda && Robert I went back down to my mom's room an was chatting with her telling her about the text an how me an Matt were close an all. You could say I was in disbelief that I needed to hear it from the hospital myself I asked one of the RNs if they could see if he was in the hospital && she told me she couldn't cause of the HIPPA law which I understand she told me to call ext:1200 which is patient information I asked if he was in there an I was told yes he is in TRAUMA Care ICU. Well he is on Life Support the doctors give him 3 days :( I say that Matt will BEAT the odds he is STUBBORN as hell. The last update I got was a few hours ago an that was that Matt was ran over while riding a bicycle infront of the CVS that is not even 5 minutes from my house. I have no other information other then that I am waiting to see if there is anything in the local paper about it. So today within itself was a MAJOR emotional roller coaster.


I would have been starting college in 6 days if the bitch that is suppose to be my friend wouldn't have pulled her truck out from under me. She had the balls to text me last night an tell me that she was staying with Serena cause her mom wasn't doing to good well guess what mine isn't either mine is in the HOSPITAL her's is at home tell me who is worse off. Well Tasha comes home this morning an woke me an my bullie up she said that Serena's mom tried to kill herself last night by drinking an Overdosing on her meds. Come on that is her fault not something that just happens. I mean I was there for all sorts of shit for Tasha but she can't be there for me?!?!? Well she told me that she was going to gone from the 29th to the 31st because she is going to Clewiston to see her Biological Father (she was adopted at like 4 years old) mind you she doesn't want her truck driven far distances but yet she is driving 3 hours or so to go see him to go mud bogging an camping.


I am so beyond people fucking rubbing it in my face that they have money they can go buy this an buy that!! They can go here an go there but I can't cause I am BROKE an nobody wants to hang out with the broke girl. I didn't know you had to have money inorder to have friends. I mean seriously What The Fuck is wrong with this picture. I understand that things cost money but you can have a good time just hanging out an talking an what not without spending a damn dime. Even when I TRY to pay for or buy things I need or want they tell me no they have it an what not an when I say I don't want to owe you a damn thing they say oh well its a favor you won't owe me anything that is what friends do for eachother. Hello friends are also there for you when you need it to!! A TRUE friend also does NOT kick you when you are down either!! They are there to help pick you up but somehow I don't have that an the ones I have are MILES away but sadly enough the ones who are there for me an are miles away I haven't even met them I have ONLY talked to them on forums,myspace,facebook,yahoo,skype,phone && texts an somehow they care about me more then the people I know here in real life who I have met. Sad I know.

I am trying to get the negative OUT && POSITIVE in so tonight starts with me reading Psalms && Proverbs an I will post each Verse I read on here && on Facebook. I am STRONG because I have been WEAK. I have been weak cause I know the reality of  life,love,friendship && I have a heart. My heart I often where on my sleeve way too MUCH an that will STOP right here as well. I am DONE being the NICE Amber for a bit it is going to MY way or NO way at all. I give an I give to people who take an take when I barely have anything to give!! I may not have much money but I am THANKFUL && I APPRECIATE EVERY FUCKING THING I HAVE. I don't take life for granted I have seen it snatch away from so many before it was their time in some horrid painful ways. It seems like everytime I turn around one of my classmates is dying or should I say being killed by stupid people who don't think before they act!! An they loose life over the stupidest thing. I know God has a plan for EVERYONE of us! Times I don't agree with them like now I don't agree that Matt should be laying in the hospital on Life Support he is so YOUNG && it is NOT fair.


An I know this is all scattered probably makes no sense to anyone but as long as I get it out I am going to feel a little better. I am listening to my music on Limewire an there are TONS of touching heart breaking songs but they also make you see that things can that can be taken away in a FLASH or a BLINK of an EYE. Just when you think "Oh it CAN'T Happen to me" is usually when it happens. I am so down an funny or sad enough that even though it makes me cry && even more down it kinda puts me at peace. I am Praying for the BEST but preparing for the WORST at the sametime

The 3 year mark of my Pawpaw passing is coming up soon as well :( as my niece's 9th birthday they both fall on November 4th!! Along comes Thanksgiving which I will have more to give Thanks for which was the MAIN Holiday that we celebrated together since my Pawpaw && my mommy's birthday fall on the same day as well. I am dying inside an as sad as it maybe I wish it was me who had went Home instead of my Pawpaw I wish I could have take ALL his pain away. I told my mom when we found out that he had lung cancer I realized I was surrounded by so many people who could use my PERFECT organs. I told my mom if I were to die before her,my Pawpaw,my dad or my sister that they get first dibs on  my organs if I was a match! My Pawpaw my lungs,my mommy my heart,my dad my liver && my siter my kidneys cause my work better then her's. It is sad for a 20 year old to say that an to this day I would still stand by my word!! If the case that a friend or another family member needed my organs they would get picked first to see if I was a match!! That is just how loving an caring I am. I am at the numb stage an just waiting to hear more from Amanda about this condition && hopefully improvements Matt is making. I am really hoping something is posted in the local newspaper so that I can maybe get more answers to the questions I have! I want to know why,when,how.


God I am down on my knees begging you to answer my prayers it is the ONLY place left for me to fall. I am praying for my Mommy who needs your healing touch her heart can't take much more. I am praying that you can touch Matt with the same healing touch but he needs more healing && even more prayers God please answer the prayers everyone is sending up for my mommy && Matt. God I pray that all the children who are battleing the awful Monster of cancer touch them with your healing hand I know that you brought this to me so I KNOW you WILL bring me through it you wouldn't put this on my plate if you knew I couldn't handle it. I am Strong cause at one point I was Weak. In Jesus' Name

Amen

So this is day number 4 of trying to launch Treats 4 the Troops an so far the outside help of others is looking grim :( Tomorrow I am going to buy the items to make sugar cookies an decorate them for Halloween. My mom is helping me out BIG time she bought 20 tubes of toothepaste I know it seems like alot but really it is only a small amount. Plus my mom is lending me her kitchen lol oh Lord can I make a mess when baking. Also I have a friend Amber who has 2 bags full of items clothes,toys shoes && who know what else she has in the bags && she is siill going through her stuff an her kids stuff as the Holidays approach they are wanting to replace old worn down items that are still in good condition but old an boring to them. I am trying to get this yard sale together an get things together. I mean come on everyone these Men && Women are fighting to keep us safe an free the least we can do is donate a dollar to this cause :D I know there are others who do this but I am taking in people who I may know an others I am sending items to I have NEVER in my life met or talked to. I am a very giving person && I hope that everyone else will want to give as well. I will be taking pictures of the boxes as I put them together,pictures of the cookie making process an so much more so keep your eyes peeled for more information && pictures of what the Military Men/Women will be getting. I am an ARMY Wife HOOAH but I am wanting to reach out to ALL the branches Marines,Navy && Air Force along with the ARMY. They all deserve a little something.

Well I am not sure where to begin on this one! This week has been complete HELL!!! I am so tired of people thinking they can run over me && my parents. We reach out to help others but yet we are the ones who get FUCKED OVER in the end. We have a so called "friend" of mine living with us but she pay $60 a week an my mom puts $30 up to help Tasha save which is all fine an dandy but when you take back what you are suppose to be saving what's the point when all you do is keep taking it back. This past week Tasha ran out of money so in turn since she withdrew over $160 from her bank account an drained her savings as well that is NOT my problem but damn it do NOT steal from me && my family when we are trying to help you. In the beginning when she moved in she would help around the house like take the garbage out,wash dishes I mean simple tasks come on how hard is it to do fo an able bodied person?!?!?!? She totally ruined my birthday an my change of going back to school anytime soon. She told me I could use her truck to go back an forth to Tampa for school an that she would help pay for gas an what not! I was EXCITED as hell because I was approved for almost $5,000 in a pell grant along with getting Tony's GI Bill through the Military to go back to school. I talked about it an even fucking dreamed about going to school starting my own photography business. The day of my birthday we were suppose to be in Tampa at 1pm Tasha said no biggie I will allow you to take the Truck or we can go together. I went got a shower && got dressed did my hair an was ready to go to the school to view an tour the campus an meet with the Finanacial Advisor. I walked out the door to her telling me I am not trying to bring you down anymore then you already are && know that we love you but I have been thinking about it the past few days an I don't feel comfortable with you taking my truck to Tampa it is old an there is so much wrong with it. It crushed me on my birthday at that to do this to me are you fuckjing kidding. The day went on an it got worse as it got closer to the ti,me to go out to dinner mom told me that dad didn't feel good so he wasn't going to be going out with us :( So me,mom,Tasha && Jessica all went to Apple Bees for dinner well dad offered to send money for my meal but Tasha said she had it!! When the bill came she was pissed off cause it was $42 which wasn't bad for 2 full meals,2 sodas,an appitizer && then I had to HUGE drinks. On the way home she was quite with nothing to say I asked her if she wanted to go to Boots for more drinks an a good night out she said she didn't care that it was up to me cause it was my birthday well I asked if she wanted to go get a movie an we could watch a movie at home. She said I don't have anymore money I am completely broke. I had $20 my dad gave me to out to get my drunk on. I mean its not like I asked her to pay for the stupid movie I was going to pay for it an ever since she has been a royal BITCH I mean seriously get the damn porccupine out of your ass for real there is no need for the major attitude when no one did a damn thing to you. Get pissed cause no one else will do your laundry.cook your meals && your phone bill got raised. Don't get mad at me when you are the one who said you would NOT be using the phone til after 9pm when the minutes were free but now you are using well over a 100 minutes when my husband needs those minutes to deal with Military Business! Then the past few days she has been leaving dishes in the sink,up way passed the time everyone else is,comes home at 2:30am which is getting really fucking old have respect for the people who are disable (my parents) who are usually asleep at that hour. Yesterday my mom && I went shopping as we normally do at the first of the month well we got home an I was bringging in the stuff we had bought in the house an she just sat there an watched me bring it all in cause she was pissed off at me. I had called her 2 different times an she sent me to voicemail then I texted her to remind her to fill her meds && she replies with I will be just fine an I don't have money. SERIOUSLY you just got paid where the hell have you spent all your money I asked where it all went she said I am helping my parents I asked with an she replies with I am not trying to be rude but I hate when people ask what I am doing with my money. I mean it makes no sense that she is helping the same family that pretty much wants nothing to do with her because she is a lesbian that is why she got kicked out of her mom's house cause her parent's don't believe in same sex relationships. I mean my family doesn't judge but be considerate of the people who are trying to help you when your family is trying to kick you when you are down an is more worried about your 20 year old unwedded sister who is pregnant by a 38 year old Meth head. Like this morning I get up eat breakfeast,take my meds && then something just told me to rearrange the living room the way my mom wanted it well Tasha woke up seen me moving shit around but kept walking never offered to help or nothing she went an sat outside on the swing on her phone.






Last night I went to clean the bathroom that only her an I use well I am NOT a nasty person I shower once or twice a day depending on the day but she on the other hand i believe showers every other day or so. I went to clean the bathroom an it was so NASTY!!! There was MAJOR ring around the toilet above the water line for real how in the hell!! I was trying to hard to scrub down everything an used bleach,Fabuloso && some other stuff an the fumes got to me bad I got really lite headed couldn't breath && almost passed out. I went to use my parent's bathroom to get a shower an well their's is broken so you have to work with the nob but I didn't know how to do it but I managed to get a shower. Laundry needs done but why should I have to do my laundry an her's she acts as if we are married an well if that is the case think it is time for a DIVORCE!! I am married to a MAN I like DICK!! Now don't get me wrong alot of of my friends are lesbian or gay. I am so flipping aggervated with this girl && if it was NOT for the fact that Tony is not Active Duty yet she would be gone!!





On to another topic witht he Military && the moron my husband is staying with in New Mexico. The other day Gordon came home an asked Tony if he loved me an he said no lol that is a STUPID question to ask I mean Hello he talks about me all the time an I am his world. Gordon in turn says man I wished I would have recorded that so that I could call Amber an tell her an let her listen to it. Tony said go ahead you will get cussed out an my wife knows when I am being sarcastic. I seriously do NOT like this moron that Tony is staying with but it was the only place in New Mexico he could go to an have a roof over his head. The moron is just pissed cause my husband is going Active Duty ARMY when his fat ass hasn't passed a PT test since 2007 Gordon was on the Border Patrol Mission but he got kicked off!! Wow Karama is a bitch isn't she?!?!?!?!



Good note Tony signed the paperwork to breach the contract with the National Guard && signed the rank reduction papers on Thursday!!! Which means we are one step closer to the Active Duty side!! Thank you Lord for being on mine && Tony's side as there wasn't going to be any Drill weekend for the month of October something about no funds or some BS. But Tony stressed to one of the SFC. that we rely on that money each an every month. So him an another Soldier who took Tony to Drill made so extra cash as well. Wish we could say it was just extra money for us. I am so ready to be able to have a place to call my own with my furniture,my decorations && my style with my husband in bed next to me each an every night that he isn't training or out in the field.



I have also started a Project Treats 4 the Troops an I am so ready to get it off the ground I have a blog that I will blog on everyday. I am doing 3 Halloween boxes an I am so EXCITED to do them. One box is for a girl who is on the MSH Forum that I put together she requested one for her husband,then I am sending one to my friend Holly's husband they are both Deployed :( Then I am going to go to a site called anysoldier.com an get the address to a Female Soldier an send her a box as well. Now these boxes aren't just filled with candy they are also getting the needs like toothbrushes,toothpaste,dental floss,hand sanatizer,tampons an pads for the ladies an so much more!! I have a spot where you can donate money through Paypal that will he with the cost of shipping && putting the items in the boxes. My mom bought 20 tubes of toothpaste today && we are suppose to go get tooth brushes,dental floss && some other items tomorrow. But the shopping for extras all depends on if my mom is out of the hospital right now we are sitten in Critical Care Room #20 mom is in pain an I know she hates coming to the hospital so much but we all know it is in her best interest.





I would really LOVE to get on the internet an post on my other blog,the forum,maintain the other pages I have an hell maybe even play a little Farmville or Yoville or even my Happy Aquriaum. Ahhh the bordem an my phone has NO signal so can't get on the internet with it. Hoping we aren't here forever an a day waiting to find out if they are going to keep her or what they are going to do. Don't get me wrong I love my mom but hospitals is NOT the place I wanna hang out with her at. I mean we do hold interesting conversations no matter where we are at but the monitors an all get really annoying!! Beep Beep Beep......That is all I head other then people breathing. An OMG I know this is going to be TMI but I went to pee an the bathroom stunk so bad like Raspberries an a pile of SHIT. OMG gag me I almost threw up all over the place.

I am no longer claiming my sister!! She has her priorities && life really fucked up!! My mom had to be rushed to the emergency room on Friday night due to a constant burning in her throat,shortness of breath,chest pains && was disoriented! I call said "sister" 10 times or so before heading out the door to her house to let her know mom was in the hosptial cause lord forbid you don't tell her anything she gets pissed!! I get to her house she isn't even home so I thought well maybe she is at her mother-in-laws house swung by there she wasn't there either. I talked to her sister-in-law who said that Misty had not been by there well I asked when the last time she heard from her was cause mom was in the hospital she said she had just talked to my sister's husband && he said they were at home. Well I in turn told her that they aren't home the truck isn't there. Connie called my brother-in-law's cell phone he didn't answer she called Misty's phone she didn't answer so Connie was trying to text Misty && WOW Misty calls her back but yet she can't call her own sister who we share the same DNA && Flesh an Blood?!? That it fucked up on more levels then one if you ask me she has ALWAYS put her now husband her then boyfriend's family before her biological family. When I told Misty what was going on she said mom seemed fine when I was there earlier she was cohearent && everything she heard everything I was saying an acted as if she understood everything that came out of my mouth. Well hello you dumb  bitch you were just trying to find out if MY mom could get you a FREE voucher since she is disabled && recieves government assistance to get you fucking dog's nuts chopped off! What a conversation.

Then she asked me if my laptop was charged && if she could use it I told her NO it was dead! Yeah it was a lie but who gives a fuck NOT me!!! It is MINE && I do NOT have to share my ex bought me the computer I am sorry that Misty && her husband can spend $2,000 on a gun instead of buying something useful in the home. I told Misty to go get on mom's computer granted its a piece of shit but the dumb bitch couldn't operate myspace for the longest so I know she isn't going to be able to use Limewire && burn a CD without fucking up my computer which I don't need!! My computer is like my cell phone it is my life line. Around last Wednesday she was suppose to comeover to make wedding CDs for a mutual friend of our's but it is Misty's best friend well she never showed up so I called her an asked when she planned on coming over she said I will be there Friday I told her I was more then likely not going to be home on Friday && she said I will comeover Saturday then. I was like well if I don't leave on Friday I know for sure I won't be home on Saturday she was like ugh fine I will be over on Monday cause I need to get this shit done! I again told her I was NOT going to be home not sure how many times I must tell the bitch that to get it through her head. Misty got pissed && said well where the fuck are you going && when are you fucking coming home? Well for one its none of her concern,for 2 I am 23 years old Free && Married so I have no one to answer to but myself && God. I told her I would be gone for a week cause I was baby sitten for a friend while they are on vaction. She got pissed off. It isn't my job to make the wedding CDs I was not the one Mandi asked to do them she asked Misty to.

Also when me && Anthony got married she was suppose to help plan the wedding,Bridal Shower && Reception but bailed on me so I got NOTHING but a cheap rinky dink wedding which I am thankful I even had that even though I used my $200 in foodstamps to get our wedding cake an food for the reception. My dad bought fried chicken while my mom && I prepared other things like monkey bread,sweet && sour meatballs,cocktail weiners,drinks && much more. Misty also tried getting me to use her cake topper which is NOT my style by any means cause I didn't have to DRAG my husband down the aisle he was willingly marrying me, Where are Misty had to wait 10 years && had a 7 year old daughter by her now husband an even then he said she wasn't marriage material && would NEVER marry her. Her cake topped was the one of the Bride dragging the Groom down the aisle. She also wanted me to use some coblets that were given to her in a gift basket && wanted me to use her cake cutter set! I wanted MY OWN!! She wanted to recycle her decorations for my wedding as well. Our colors were way different so there is no way in hell I could use her decorations. I made my own with things I found at the Dollar Tree an they turned out cute. My daddy bought me my cake cutter set,veil && tieara!! I had called Misty the same night my dad took me to Wal*Mart to get last minute items to see if she could bring somethings she had that I was willing to use she told me she had no gas in the truck but yet my dad found her at Wal*Mart! She is a lying ass BITCH!! She threw a Bridal Shower for her Best Friend at my house if you ask me that is pretty much rubbing it in my face so I am OVER her.

They spend their money everywhere BUT where it is SUPPOSE to be spent. So when they are low on food she comes over && says well I am not sure what we are going to do for dinner cause we have no money && no food. Hoping that we will give her food out of our pantry && freezer all because we get foodstamps! She gets pissed cause she can't get foodstamps well hello hunnie your husband makes $500 to $1000 a week depending on where he is working an the hours. That is why they can't get food stamps. I get them cause my husband only makes $233.98 a month since he is ONLY National Guard right now && my mom is disabled an get less then $700 a month we can't barely get things paid for an what not. Ugh that bitch just pisses me off!!!!!!!!!!!1

Well I am not new to blogging by any means just new to the whole blogger thing. I figured I would start this account to have a place for my thoughts to go whether people read this && comment or not atleast its one less thing on my mind once I get all my thoughts out whether they are good,bad or ugly. I am only 23 years old but have been through alot in my short time here in this wonderful world. I have almost lost my mom several times which is something I wouldn't wish upon any child it is a hard thing to deal with. I have had many failed relationships in which I can thank my lucky stars for the lust I thought was love && the pain  of the abusive relationships I have been in coming to an end! Those things have helped turn me into the woman I am today. I am strong because at some point I have been weak. Through all the hard times I thought I would NEVER make it through I did && now I am a stronger person because of it. I really don't have trust in men because of my past. I was 17 when I lost my virginity not by my own free will either that was one of the hardest things I have endured. I have been engaged several times but they all failed but with out them failing I would have never met my husband. I was engaged at 18 && a Senior in High School but that came to an end do to cheating,I was engaged again at 20 but that came to an end when I was beat on && was verbally abused by my fiance at that times family. I then got out of that relationship an went right into another which I thought would have been my fairytale I was hoping for after chasing the guy for 8 years we FINALLY ended up together. Everything seemed so amazing but that didn't last long his family hated me,I was know as the physco,my boyfriend at the time was told he could do so much better then me an that he deserved so much more. His mom was a two faced bitch that I hated but dealt with her because I thought I loved her son && wanted to spend the rest of my life with him boy was I wrong && I am glad that it came to an end. Alot went on to make the 1 year && 8 month relationship come to an end he got verbally abusive && tried pushing me off on to my tattoo artist!! Seriously WHAT THE FUCK?!?!? You are suppose to love me but yet you tell me to go have sex with another man. Don't think the idea wasn't pondered upon because well my ex had a little dick && couldn't last more then 5 minutes in the sack sadly he was 21 years old. The final straw with that relationship was Christmas Eve 2008 when we had some friends over && he pushed me off onto his best friend telling me to go have sex with him an to show him what I was working with. After hearing the same shit over && over again for 5 hours or so I did end up going home on Christmas morning with his best friend due to the fact that I wasn't invited to the family functions with his family that morning && my family wasn't doing dinner or anything til that night. I brought his best friend home with me for Christmas with my family because the only family he had was his mom && she was working so I felt bad that he was going to spend the holiday alone. Last June almost July I found out that my ex had sent my nude && sexual pictures to a 17 year old boy not just body shots but from head to toe including my face. The little fucker  denied it then when he finally admitted to it he said he was mad && I was the easiest target known to man cause I have mental problems I suffer from depression,I am bipolar,suicidal && have unidentified personality disorders. I to found out that he is a closet case fag && I have pictures to prove it. I just do NOT get why I had to go through so much in such a short time but now I am living life && enjoying it with my husband even though we do have our problems but what relationship && marriage doesn't?!?!?